Forest Fête


Whilst wading waist-high in the Tule River this past weekend, knee deep in a pilgrimage of ancient longings and primitive passions, I lost myself in an accidental ritual to the Hamadryads. 

Trudging upstream with my best gal by my side and a heart full of oakmoss & pine resin, we clamored up rocks on paths that winter shut down months ago. Hiking with wild visions of my love & I exploding in arboreal awesomeness, the forest suddenly spasmed alive into a hallucinatory vortex of beating wings.  Lickety-split, I was ensconced in orgies of ladybugs, consecrating every inch of the forest floor whilst making a boudoir of my face. They dripped from every branch and clung to every leaf in concupiscent splendor, copulating, humming, in a resplendent chorus of  “Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes!”, consummating every prayer ever invoked to panoplies of Gods both alive and dead.

With an indolent salute to lackadaisical repose, Ladybugs engage in Diapause- the insect version of hibernation- for up to nine months at a time. Like Victorian ladies-in-wait, they dream away the wintry months, conserving their resources to boost reproduction once the temperature warms to a sultry 55 degrees. The insect equivalent of the ‘disco nap’, this intrepid bout of Qi cultivation serves to facilitate epic balling. Cause once Ladybug sexytime commences, it’s a full dance card of four-hour tantric orgies and major STD’s. Seriously though. If both the male and the female have not mated recently, they will sex it up for about 275 minutes. If their libidinous desires have recently been quenched, they’ll have a paltry 176-minute rendezvous. The male grips the female from behind and holds on tight, conjoined in ecstatic confluence for their entire tete-a-tete. Ladybugs are uber promiscuous, and have ponderous amounts of exotic STD’s infecting 90% of some populations (more STD’s than any other insect BY FAR). Epically, enviously, licentious, they have no shame…they will mate on your hands, your face, discarded boughs of White Pine, ashen logs of lichen and rot, piles of fecund dead foliage, graves of dirt and fruiting fungal bodies (lucky them). Female Ladybugs can store a male’s sperm for 2-3 months, swathing the heavenly elixir in their loins until Aphids blow in on the breeze, and egg-laying time is nigh. It’s enough to make me collapse in a swoon, and be left for dead on the forest floor for the remainder of my days.